Who Are Google? (Please click on the links for the
full picture)
This is probably the hottest, most frequently asked question on the
'net: It's a question for which there have been many conjectures in answer but
none have yet revealed the truth. Now I can exclusively report that the origins
of Google and it's real location has been discovered. Indeed, I
believe I am the first person to stumble upon the lair and to view their
activities at first hand; please believe me, the truth is even stranger than
the enormous fiction that has developed over the years.
For most people, familiar with Googling,
their only contact with Google is via an internet (web) browser, through the
keyboard and screen of a computer. Few, if any, concern themselves with
thoughts about how it all works, they are simply happy to type their search
requirements and press ENTER. For most searches, a result appears in double
quick time and the user moves on. The more inquisitive, however, want to know
just what is going on behind the scenes, indeed, they are also curious to know where it goes on
too.
After considerable research and extensive world wide exploration I can
now report that the the answers to these questions have been found! Not
only have they been found but there is photographic evidence to support them
(click on the links for these). Many will be surprised! There will be
disbelief! Nevertheless I present the facts as discovered.
Before I do this, there first needs to be some investigation into the
name Google, for it is from such an investigation that my journey of
discovery began. Many believe the name Google to be the result of
the misspelling of the numeric superlative googol (derived from googolplex - a
very large number; the digit 1 followed by one hundred zeros). But I can
reveal that this is simply uninformed conjecture.
Google is an anglicised derivation from the union of two separate
words: Gugh (from the Cornish word Keow meaning hedge
banks) and Gull (Gulls, often informally Seagulls,
birds in the family Laridae. They are most closely related to the terns (family
Sternidae) and only distantly related to auks, and skimmers, and more distantly
to the waders. Most gulls belong to the large genus Larus.)
Given this fundamental revelation, it can quickly be appreciated
how the myth relating to the origins of Google being attributed to the
human beings named Larry Page and Sergey Brin came to
be . These human names are simply a convenient corruption of the genetic
Gull family names of Laridae and Sternidae.
The people don't actually exist (click on the preceding link to them and
you will see what I mean), they are a fantastical creation of a human intellect
unable to cope with the real truth: the realisation that the immense searching
capability and power of Google is driven by a bunch of seagulls!
At this point, dear reader, you are already about to turn off and find
something else to read, please don't. By doing so you will have blinkered
your vision, restricted your view, defined a narrow perspective as a range
of thought and perhaps denied yourself access to the most amazing revelation of
the 21st century. Please read on and all will be revealed.
There is a remote corner of the United Kingdom known only to a few.
Historically it has been thought of as "The
Fortunate Islands". These islands are considered mythical
so consequently are surrounded by legend, however, the writer recently, quite
by accident, stumbled upon them and the amazing secret they hold.
The most westerly of "The
Fortunate Islands" is the island of St Agnes,
a bleak and windswept grassy rock, stoically raised against the might of
thousands of miles of Atlantic Ocean to it's west. Tucked, even nestling, to
the east of St Agnes is a small but beautifully formed appendage. Linked
via a narrow causeway only accessible at low tide is the island of Gugh.
It is here dear reader, that I discovered the truth.
Having dared to cross the causeway, with no certainty of return, I found
myself in a land of lush grassland and bracken interspersed with eunonymous and pittosporum. The territory rose gently up
toward the east for a few hundred yards where it reached the highest point on
the isthmus. From here it was possible to see the full extent of the island.
From north to south I estimate that it was no more than a mile and from east to
west, half that distance. My elevation at my viewpoint was hardly more than 30
metres. The sides of this gentle hill were pock marked with caverns and buries,
evidence of a society of considerable provenance. Toward the centre of the
island, amongst bramble and briar my attention was drawn to a particularly
significant rock. About 4 metres high above the ground and about 5 metres in
diameter it rose from the highest point in the vicinity like a masonry helmet.
The rock itself was fascinating, but it was what it carried that shocked
and amazed me. There it was! Before my eyes! There stood in all its
majesty and beauty. Iridescent in its brilliant mantle and gracefully poised
awaiting the call upon it's godly talents. Here was the Gughgull.
It took me a while to collect my thoughts and come to terms with my
discovery. After all, here was the answer to the most often asked question of
our time and I had stumbled upon it quite by accident. As I watched I
became aware that whilst the creature that I observed was clearly the leader,
the alpha Gughgull, there were many others
distributed efficiently across the undulating territory behind the alpha Gughgull mounted upon its rock.
These drone like birds stood perfectly still but poised for action. Their
expressions were sharp and concentrated, as if staring into a
distant beyond, attempting to perceive the unperceivable . Suddenly there
came a cry from the alpha Gughgull and within an instant one
of the drones was airborne and away. Almost as soon as it had left it was back
again. In the blink of an eye it had resumed its position on the bank and
settled to stare again at the distant horizon. A tear welled in my eye as
I realised that I was the first human being to ever witness the reality of a so
called "Gughgull search". I trembled with excitement as cries from
the alpha Gughgull continued to elicit
frenetic activity from the drone Gughgulls ranged across the hillside behind the
presidential stone. Then something strange happened which
perplexed me for a while. Another, slightly different, cry from the alpha Gughgull caused two Gughgulls to simultaneously rise,
swiftly into the heavens, the one seemingly escorted and protected by the
other. This had been a different call from the alpha Gughgull and a different
response from the drones - what could be going on here? Then it struck me!
Not only was I witnessing Gughgull searching in action but I had also
seen the beta test of the new Gughgull "search with backup" facility.
A system often talked about fancifully in erudite circles but not yet a
reality, and here it was before my eyes being alpha tested at the fount. I
scribbled hastily in my notebook, at pains not to miss any nuance of this slick
and efficient operation. My camera clicked and whirred away as I snapped the
evidence, now used in support of this paper.
As I continued to stand there, I watched in silent awe as these swift and graceful creatures ascended to
the heavens only to return in seconds to their allotted place. During this
continuous and tireless activity, the alpha Gughgull could be seen tapping at a keyboard atop
the rock on which it stood. This was clearly the point of contact with the
internet, where our primitive technology interfaces with the awesome power of the Gughgull. It
was frankly the most awkward of all of the operations carried out by these most
industrious birds. Indeed it was quite out of place, yet it is an example of
the generosity and humility of this species that they are prepared to render,
quite unselfishly, such a remarkable service to such an ungrateful humanity via
such a primitive mechanism ( ed. according to their standards).
As evening approached and the rising tide threatened to cut me off from
the infant humanity from whence I had come, I determined my path back and left
the Gughgulls to their tireless labours.
Sailing back to the mainland my mind was alight with the memories of this
monumental milestone experience. Not normally taken to self aggrandisement I
must confess to imagining myself being remembered in future histories as the
man that discovered Google. In my dream I saw my name in great historical tomes
alongside Columbus and Principal Skinner. I heard schoolchildren
recite my name in answer to their teacher's questions about the fundamentals of
life. I saw university students arguing over the actual location of The
Fortunate Islands and the reality of the existence of the Gughgull, stupidly ridiculing my story in the
same way that the "Flat Earth Society" trashes
the notion of an earthly globe. Oh how sweet their realisation will be for me
when they finally draw back the web of delusion and see clearly the truths that
I have told.
Although I am now back home and fulfilling my daily life as before, I
feel strangely dislocated. Having spent those few hours amongst those
remarkable, elegant, energetic, untiring creatures, inexhaustibly responding to
almost every whim of humanity, I wish I was back amongst them. A philosopher
once told me that you succeed in philosophy if you end up with more questions
after considering something than when you began. So it is with this. I have so
many more questions still to be answered. For example: Who is the alpha Gughgull? Is it a permanent appointment
or is it a circulating responsibility. Are the names of the drones
recorded anywhere? Can we write to them? Do they appreciate fan mail? Do they
want a pen friend? Is the thorough distribution of Gughgull crap across the
rocks of Gugh simply the result of not having time
to stop or a matter of local diet? Does anyone care about the failed Gughgull searches, indeed are they ever
recorded?
All these and many more questions still have to be answered.
Unfortunately they will not be answered by me; exhausted physically and
financially ruined after my investment in this original search I have to bow
out and leave the continuing research to others. I have ploughed the first
furrow and cleared the headlands. It is now up to you to complete the story.
And, in the unlikely event that the Gughgulls have time to read this as it
passes through the presidential stone on Gugh, perhaps they might
feel inclined to drop me a line with some answers. 'til then I bid you farewell
and happy Gughgulling.
NB It will be evident to the politically correct observer that no gender
has been associated with the Gughgull. Efforts to establish this were met with
crap and intrusions into my anatomy by vicious beaks. Clearly, there are some
secrets that Gughgull is determined to keep - unless of course you know better!
Ruby Red Devon
Littleham
North Devon
United Kingdom
April 1st 2008
rubyreddevon@yahoo.co.uk
This material may be freely copied provided acknowledgement of its
origin and credit to the author is given. Indeed the author actively encourages
its proliferation – forward it to a friend now. A PDF version can be found at:
